Even though I have been enjoying having two boys and adjusting reasonably well, let me tell you, it is STRESSFUL! It is easy to forget how stressful it is as you begin to get through the days half-way intact. But for those of you getting ready to bring little ones home, remember that it will be stressful, so figure out a way to take care of yourself or you might end up with...
A broken toe. I am going to write this, but let me first say I am extremely ashamed of what I did. Yesterday, my little K would not stop crying right before his nap. And by crying, I really mean SCREAMING at the top of his lungs in an octave I didn't think I was supposed to hear after age 30. He would stop breathing and then start screaming, stop breathing, start screaming. His pacifier was at the other end of the house, so I took him with me, only to trip on a wooden truck of A's. I retrieved the pacifier with screaming baby and on my way back, tripped on the wooden firetruck again.
And now, the moment of shame, the moment I have re-played and wish I could take back ... I kicked the hell out of that firetruck! I kicked it clear across the room in a perfect soccer ball arc - except it is not a soccer ball, but a heavy, heavy, wooden firetruck. I was wearing my soft crocs and I immediately knew I had broken my big toe. I hobble back, put the baby in the bed and look at the darn toe - not good!
Mother fail! You have no idea how much inconvenience that stupid decision is costing me and my sweet family. After about an hour at the Social Security Office this morning waiting to get the boys a SS#, my dear husband and boys drive around town for another hour and a half while I go to the doctor (we only have one car). Now, I can't walk my dog for 6 weeks or take my boys for long walks in the stroller. I can't really do Yoga. I hobble around the house and am supposed to stay off my foot. Right!
I am so, so frustrated and ashamed of myself. What lessons have I learned? (Though I have 6 more weeks to learn more.) This is a HUGE, MAJOR life change that we and the boys are going through. No matter how great some days may seem, the transition itself is still STRESSFUL. Self-care is not a luxury at this point, it is a life-line, a must. Stupid things I do now affect a lot more people than just me.
And WHY am I posting this? Because I don't want to just post the highs and not the lows - this is reality. AND, the "Baby Love" post I was planning just didn't feel genuine today.
Evelyn! I just have to say that I love you! :) You are so funny, too. I have enormous empathy for you. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteLet me give you my mommy-sob story for the day. For my part, I am fainting over with tiredness. Zufan was awake most of the night with a fever (she went to sleep but then work up at 1 or 2 screaming)and insisted that there were ghosts in the bedroom, but not in the living room, so we had to rock and rock, and she still wouldn't sleep. She had a fever, and I think she was really seeing imaginary monsters. She finally went to sleep, maybe 4 or 5 in the morning, then I went to work. Now, I'm so mad at myself because I've been eating junk food all day and have not exercised because now it is ME nearly having hallucinations.
Sometimes, I feel like something has GOT to give. For you... Can you get a babysitter for an hour or two a day to help you out? During their awake time, not nap time! :) Yes, take care of yourself! You have to, so that you are able to take care of the boys.
Oh, Evelyn. What a brave and important post. I can no longer keep count of the number of crazy things I've done - and then regretted - out of frustration, stress, anger, exhaustion, etc. during the past six months. I'm so, so sorry that this particular moment has such disastrous results for you. Take care.
ReplyDeleteOuch! That's no fun. Wishing you a speedy recovery!
ReplyDeleteI hope your toe heals quickly! There is such pressure put on moms only to talk about the highs, even though every last one of us has "kicked a truck" of our own out of total frustration. I really reject the dichotomy that either you love your kids and therefore don't ever get frustrated or you get frustrated and therefore don't love your kids. Even when we say we don't believe that, sometimes the mother guilt in our bellies tells us that, on some level, we do. Bravo for admitting the frustration we all feel sometimes as parents. The mystery of parenthood is that we love these people who sometimes make our lives absolutely impossible.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find some time to reclaim your own head space each day! And if you need to call and vent during naptime, feel free to call me!
Hey, I was going to say I love you too, but Zufan's mommy beat me to it! Love, love, love this post...I haven't kicked a truck, but I have thrown a doll or two in frustration...
ReplyDeleteI admire your courage in posting this. Sending vibes of healing and peace and love your way.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I'm sorry, but I don't know if you meant to be funny, but I was laughing throughout this post. Probably because it sounds just like something I would do myself. I was right there with you kicking that darn truck. And to think, if you hadn't broken your toe, you would have gotten away with it!!!!
ReplyDeleteThe important part of it all though is that you're sharing these very real parts of parenthood, and as you'll see from the comments we can ALL relate. And that's what is so great about blogging, is realizing how much in common we all really have as mommies.
Thank you for sharing. And making me laugh:)
Aww, man, that stinks. But don't beat yourself up about it -- or any more trucks, for that matter. It IS an adjustment, and a hard one at that. Let me know if you need anything at all. I can get Nate and be at your house any time!
ReplyDeleteLove ya! Larissa
I do love you to Evelyn - I do! Yes, we have all gone and kicked that truck! OK so you come from a soccer country and you REALLY know how to kick! i'm sorry your toe is broken! Inconvenience? yah. OK. but you also have an opportunity to say, mommy needs to sit her will you bring her...and teach caring and compassion.
ReplyDeletewhat would be worse than having perfect parents? really...what? nothing. you are not perfect and neither are they.
this post is very sweet and very important.
(and look i figured out how to get on to the 'private post' it took 5 seconds - i'm embarassed. friend fail.
Oh, yes.... it is hard to keep our cool sometimes when we are stressed out, worn out, at the end of our ropes! Hang in there! Get a kicking bag, or some other non-injuring item to punch or kick when you need to get it out of your system! Love you!
ReplyDeleteEvelyn, I had to laugh right out loud as I read your blog tonight! I felt SO badly for you, but, oh brother, could I relate! I can tell (because I'm so wise with my 2 teens :) ), you're going to be a wonderful mom! Terry
ReplyDeleteOUCH!!! Sorry Evelyn! Just think, though. Today is groundhog day. There are six more weeks of winter. Your toe will be healed just in time for spring :) ::hugs::
ReplyDelete(Okay, I admit I'm still laughing at the groundhog day post)
ReplyDeleteBUT all I have to say is, hey, you only kicked an inanimate object--good Mama :)
And oh how I wish I could come down there and take care of you! Hmmm. . . could this possibly mean you'll be homebound Mar. 29-April 2 after all?
Oh Evelyn, I am sorry. That just sucks. I broke a toe too, on a F#$%ing Tonka truck. I didn't kick it, but I have certainly shown frustration in ways that I am not proud of either. I threw the dogs stuffed snake on the couch repeatedly while semi-screaming. The kids think I am a lunatic. It is frustrating !!! You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteStill trying to figure out how to post, but think I got it! OUCH, and been there, done that, even broke the dang toe too! Think it was a wall or cabinet not a truck though :) As others have said, this is REAL and it's important to share----ya know, so the rest of know we're not crazy! Now, call a friend or sitter AFTER nap/quiet time and schedule a regular weekly "Evelyn time"....!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry!! Criminy. That sucks. Here's to quick-healing toes and gentle self-care.
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you for sharing. For the record, I've learned how to repair dry wall in our house for a similar reason.
That sucks. I can relate to kicking a toy across the room. Sometimes you just need to blow off some steam. Next time wear hard toed shoes!
ReplyDeleteI hope it heals quickly. I broke my arm once when my boys were younger and it was truly challenging.
Ouch. So sorry about your toe and thank you for posting both the highs and lows.
ReplyDeleteJust so you don't feel so all alone in the mother fail thing, my 2.5 year old said the "f" word after he heard me scream it out of frustration. Nice.
Ugh... so sorry for that! We've all had those kind of moments.
ReplyDeleteI am just catching up on posts. You had me giggling out loud with this one. I am sure I will have several of these moments in the future!
ReplyDeleteHope that toe heals quickly.
You are soooo Funny- how our paths are crossing in ways I've never imagined. Do you recall I fell down the stairs when the water heater broke? On crutches and in an air cast... man that was a tough month or so. I couldn't run again for several months after. If I can offer any advice- it was that having that happen taught me to ASK FOR HELP. Even when I tried so hard to "not need it" I was asking- but after I hurt myself- it was almost like (looking back) that it gave me permission. So, get somebody to walk with you and the kids to the park-or drive to it if you can. Sit- hold your baby and let A-play. You will find amazing strength in this event -but Ask for help E.. Ask for help- even if it's just to enjoy time with somebody. It's amazing what happens when there are 2 people to play and interact when you are "injured" - your spirits are some how lifted.... :-) Hugs and thinking of you all!
ReplyDeleteOh Evelyn, I'm so sorry about your toe. I love your mom's idea of getting a "kicking bag." I totally want one. When I was planning all those months for an infant and a toddler, I remember thinking that it would be the hardest thing imaginable, and that if I kept them both safe, alive, and with some semblance of hygene for the first 6 months - I'd be amazing. Sounds like that's what you're doing, and more.
ReplyDelete(First, I'm sorry I'm so late coming to all of these posts - for some reason they all just showed up in my reader yesterday!) I'm so sorry about your toe. What a major hassle. I hope your recovery goes as well as it can. Don't beat yourself up too much about it. We all have our limits and have to express our emotions somehow. You have been thrown into this motherhood thing in a way most people don't ever experience. So let it go when you have to! (Just don't break any more body parts!)
ReplyDelete(ditto to the above comment about the google reader thing...)
ReplyDeletehang on girl! parenting isn't easy! i often feel like a bad mom...keep trying and keep making time to breath when possible!