September 18th is the day ...

... that my eyes first saw my boys two years ago in two small photos.  It was such an overwhelming day.  An amazing day.  After so much waiting, life kicked up its pace and has not since slowed down.  Becoming a mom has exposed my inner self - its all been laid out for the world to see.  It has been humbling.  It has also opened up a well, a deep well of crazy love for my Scootle and my Boo.  They undo me - completely - in every sense of the word.

I stroked their cheeks as they slept tonight and the thought came to me, "these are the ones you waited for."  I smiled.  These are the ones I waited for.  I would wait a million years for them.

This Picture Kills Me

This is a picture of me in 2009, holding one of my dearest friend's daughter.  I love my friend, I love her daughter.  This has nothing to do with them.  It has everything to do with being an adoptive parent.  Little did I know when that photo was taken that I had a son, the exact same age (they were born a few days apart).  But I would not get to see my son(s) for another 6 months (Boo and this baby were both almost 2 months old here).  Who was holding my 2 month old baby?  Who was comforting my 2 year old little boy?  Tragedy had already struck their short lives.  And yet I sit smiling, enjoying this baby and longing for mine. 

This is just one tiny hurt, of the many big and small hurts that come from forming a family through adoption.  Yes, I know all families have hurts and YES, of course I know that our family is filled to the brim with joys.  But sometimes, these hurts come up for me, for the boys.  There are no words to comfort.

Things I Am Glad I Did, Wish I Had Done, Wish I Had NOT Done During My Wait

"Myselph?"  That's called too much happy stamping and a little too much ink inhalation perhaps.

Surely this was an alternative spelling in the Middle Ages?

Things I am glad I did during my wait:

1. Started a blog - it would not be an understatement to say that I would not have survived this wait without my blog community.  I had no idea that I would connect with so many people.  I had no idea that I was making FRIENDS, real friends, not virtual friends, but friendships that I hope will last a very long time.
2. Went to France - I had never been to Europe.  Going to France and being in Paris by myself is the biggest indulgence I've ever given myself.  I had such an amazing time with me, with Evelyn.  I remember the trip as though I went with a very good friend.  I loved every minute of my trip. 
   
3. Practiced Yoga - Yoga has been so grounding for me.  It reminds me that even though I can no longer run and am no longer "Ms. Super Achiever," that I am still strong.
4. Took Samba for lots of walks.  For the past two years, I've woken up to an enourmous string of big long blank slate days.  Many days had nothing planned, no structure whatsoever.   Though I know that sounds wonderful in theory, for me, it was very hard.  I had a hard time motivating myself to get up and do things.  But no matter how I felt, at some point, Samba would come and just sit and stare at me until I took her for a walk or threw her the ball in the backyard.  I was never ever sorry that I did.  I've learned that what is good for the dog is usually good for the people. Samba gave some sanity to my days.
   
5. Took a part-time job at a church.  I work 12 hrs a week, from home and I get paid pretty well to do something I enjoy.  I am basically in charge of planning/organizing adult education programs at a very liberal, very well-educated, peace & justice minded congregation. I've worked there a year now and I have found a community of support among these folks.  They threw me one of my in-person baby showers and I could not believe all of the love.  I've known many of these folks for years, but seeing one another every Sunday and collaborating on projects has strengthened our bonds.   I started a new group for parents of young children called "Parenting and Spirituality."  I am really proud of that group.  It was nice to be among people who want to raise their children more mindfully, away from all of consumerism, stress and lack of balance that seems rampant all around.  If I have time, I would love to blog about some of the things we discussed in that group. 
   

Things I wish I had done/not done during my wait:

1. I wish I had NOT gained 15 pounds.  Come on, I know you have noticed, if you have been following my blog, that I look a little different.  For the past 15 years, I have been able to maintain a certain weight by eating pretty much whatever I wanted as long as I ran.  Losing my ability to run (back issues), leaving my full time job and the stress of the wait made it a losing battle with weight gain.   I cannot fit in so many of my winter pants now, but I refuse to buy bigger pants.  Bill and I have joined a gym for the first time in 8 years.  We'll see...
2. I wish I had not spent so much time on the internet.  Lots. Of. Time. Wasted.  Not on the blogs or the friendships, but the wasted hours hitting the "refresh" button, re-checking all my e-mails, blog, Facebook, Yahoo board, etc.  (Oh, and watching Brazilian novelas!)
3. I wish I had learned Amharic.  I tried a few times.  Never did get a hold of a good book to teach me.  Never did get past the numbers and a few household words.  Lame.  Lazy.  
4.  I wish I had gone back to school to get a Master's in Early Childhood Education.  I have spent my working life focusing on school-aged children and youth.  I have been fascinated by all things young children lately (hmmm ... wonder why!).  My dream once I go back to work is to start a very high quality, comprehensive early childhood program for children and parents of low-income communities.  Of course, I think my boys will make or break this dream ... I know they will change me.  But it would be both easier to raise them and easier to reach this dream if I already had this degree under my belt.  I had no way of predicting that I would actually have the time to complete another Master's degree, so I am cutting myself some slack here, but if I knew then what I know now!
5. I wish I had not procrastinated on SO MANY THINGS.  I seemed to be floating in molasses for the past two years.  Getting the "umph" to get up and do things was more difficult than it has ever been.  Some projects got done.  Many went undone or were done at the last minute.  I wish I had spent my time a little more wisely.  
   

Thank you so much to all of you who have walked this road with me.  I've received your notes, your beads, your e-mails, your phone calls, your BOOKS :), your love and it has given me strength.  This era is coming to an end.  I am so done with it.  I will enjoy the last few blank slate days I have, but for now, I will not mourn them.  I have been readying myself for too long.  It is time to move on, don't you agree?

The End of a Journal

Two and a half years ago, I began writing in this 800+ page journal. We had already started our adoption process (with Brazil). I was sure I would write of meeting my children and of the beginning of our life together. It is funny to look back on what you have written and see your naivete...

There was soon a change of plans (it would be next to impossible to bring home young siblings from Brazil), plans filled with joy as I always felt our children were in Ethiopia...



Then the wait started taking its toll ....

With some glimpses of hope...



I drew strength from the Psalms, who seemed to lament with me...


I wondered what was going on outside my understanding...

The wait became so heavy, so exhausting, so repetitive...

And yet, I continue to have beautiful days among the bad. I still laugh. Life continues. I am so grateful for so many things. But I confess, I am tired.

I only have 6 pages left in my journal. I am writing in really tiny letters and not skipping lines any more. I write with more urgency, trying to keep my thoughts compact. I don't want my journal to run out on me.

I am reserving my new journal for what is to come. What will this journal hold?

Dream interpretation, anyone?

Last night, I dreamt I was in a hotel with lots and lots of connecting indoor pools. I just swam from one to the other to the other. It felt really good.

At some point, I got to a cafe and sat at a table near Angelina Jolie. We ended up sitting together and talking about Ethiopia adoption. She said she had a house in our city and it was clear she needed a BFF here. I volunteered for the job and she said I needed to be ready to hang out ASAP. I thought, "Oh, shoot! I was supposed to walk on the beach with LeAnn tomorrow (true in real life)." I told "Angie" and she was ok with it, but disappointed. (I know, people, hanging out with me is THAT exciting!)

Next thing I know, I'm walking along and start wondering how many months pregnant I am. I am visibly pregnant, but have no idea how far along I am. I touch my belly and feel the baby kicking for the first time (though I think I may have twins). It is suddenly clear that I may be due any day, but my due date is in December.

-------

Funny, huh? Wanna know something weird? I have recurring Angelina Jolie dreams. I like her OK ... she is beautiful and has a beautiful family, but I am not obsessed with her at all! Why do I keep dreaming about her? I always dream that I am her new best friend!

Anyone want to play "interpreter of dreams?" I'd love to read your thoughts!

Oh, and can I get a "woo-hoo!" for Liz or what?

Back to reality

Brother J and C

J (cousin), M (new cousin) & us

Me, M (cousin) and Aunt B

At the Arboretum

Cousin S and her twins

I had a wonderful extended Labor Day weekend with Bill in DC. We saw two sets of family whom we really enjoy. We met a delightful new cousin (by marriage). We got to be around each other and to romp around the city - we visited the Frederick Douglass house (amazing) and Arboretum for the first time. We enjoyed the long car ride and had good talks. Now it's back to reality, which right now feels a bit disappointing and lonely. I just can't help thinking it will never happen to me. Yep, it's one of those days....

In-Between

"The transition zones in our lives are incredibly rich places. They should be honored, even savored. Yes, with all the pain and fear and feelings of being out-of-control that can (but not necessarily) accompany transitions, they are still the most alive, most growth-filled, passionate, expansive moments in our lives." (Patti Digh)

I've been reading this book by Patti Digh. Her essay about transitions, "Let Go of the Monkey Bars," was so descriptive of this in-between time I am in that I thought I'd share it with you, in case you happen to be in a state of transition, too.

The Spectrum

**** Warning: Excessive amounts of linkage used in this post. ****

I've been touched and amazed throughout my wait by the beautiful spectrum that is this adoption journey. No matter where I find myself, I am not alone. Whenever I think, "surely referrals really don't happen," I read a post like Claudia's. Then I get to thinking, "it happens for other people, but not to me," and I commiserate with a friend like Liz. How many of these will Rachel and the rest of us have to go through? I have cried and cried at the love, the solidarity that I have found with Kristine, with Julia ("Solidarity with the waiters!"), with Christine and with so many others. I dream, as Courtney did and look forward what my reality will one day look like. Just last night, I dreamt that I could not put a diaper on my daughter correctly and that my son ran across a major road at the age of two - yet even as the sorry mother I was in the dream, I felt so happy. Maybe it was a happy a little like what Julie must feel when she sees her daughter do a funny dance in the kitchen. Isn't it crazy that just a few months ago, Julie and I were in the same boat? Can you believe Kim was the person one spot in front of me in the Wide Horizon's waiting list? Life is amazing. Time is fluid. I believe there is meaning beyond what I can see.

Could it be that in a few months I will be experiencing what Katy did in this amazing video? Could it be that I'll be in love like Lori? In the meantime, I get joy out of looking at Stacy's sweet Zufan and her smile, Megan's Sam and of course, Cindy's Olly (yum!).

I could go on and on with the "shout outs" but they may have to be continued another day. For this day, all I can say is WHAT. A. JOURNEY! I am glad you have stuck it out this far with me.

What I Read During My Month off Blogging

The Help (Kathryn Stockett) is now among my favorite novels (The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver), In the Time of the Butterflies (Julia Alvarez), La Casa de los Espiritus (Isabel Allende), The Red Tent (Anita Diamant), Amor en el los Tiempos de la Cholera (Gabriel Garcia Marquez) and Gabriela, Cravo e Canela (George Amado)). I confess that at first, I was taken back by a white woman speaking in the voice of an African-American woman in the 1960's. I wondered with what authority Stockett felt she could take up such a voice. Later I read of the author's own experience in the deep south and felt a little better.

Though I still wonder what an African-American woman would think of this book, I was soon completely lost in the worlds of Skeeter, Aibileen and Minny. It was fascinating to learn of the realities of the 60's in Mississippi through the lives of these courageous women. Each chapter is told from the perspective of one of the women - Skeeter, a white college educated young woman and Aibileen and Minny, African-American maids with wisdom beyond any college degree. Together, these women attempt to write down the stories of maids - the good and the bad - risking their own lives in the process. Amazing. The fear and fearlessness are both palpable.

This book helped me to continue my own education process, of learning about life "at the bottom" of society, so that I can try to live my life with as much solidarity and integrity as possible. Given that we live in a world with such extreme disparities, I wondered: "Am I willing to risk my life for justice as these women were?"

A Hairy Face and Cake-less Candles

9 days ago, I posted on Facebook:

Evelyn .... Has a decree: "No sweets till I see my sweets!" (Except for my Chocolate Gourmet class, of course.)

I wanted to do SOMETHING to honor my feelings. I wanted to stop using sweets to cover up the hurt, the emptiness. I needed to do something to stop my weight gain (arrggghhh!). I wanted to cut something out I really loved, so that every time I craved it, I could re-focus, think and pray about my little ones. It does and doesn't make sense, but I felt I had to do something, boycott something, resist something. Bill has his own little resistance going on. See the picture? That's right, he is keeping a goatee until we get a referral. He is hating it - so am I! (He looks nice, but is just not as kissable!) BUT, we are both happy to be doing SOMEthing in protest of this wait.

What happened after my facebook post is just crazy. Other people have joined in my sweet-lessness (Stacy started it)! I never intended to start a sweet boycott, but I have! It is a small boycott, but it makes me feel stronger. I have counted about 9 people raging against their sweet urges in solidarity with us. Crazy, huh?

So, I have been sweet-less for 9 days and will continue to be sweet-less until I see the faces of my little ones in a referral picture. When I DO see their faces, there is going to be some sweet eating around here (and I suspect around where some of you are, too)! As for my Chocolate Gourmet Class, I signed up for it before the boycott - a one evening class on artisinal chocolates and chocolate baking. I WILL be participating fully. (It is only fair that if I get September 16th off, some of you should, too, so mark your calendars. )

I decided to use some beautiful prayer beads made by a friend of mine to pray every morning more specifically for my children, their bio family and their caretakers, to add a spiritual dimension to this boycott. How have these 9 days been? Well, besides almost fainting and loosing my bearings when my grocery store re-did the entire store, adding a whole new section of imported chocolates, including my super sweet favorite Crunchie bar for $1.29, it has been pretty good. I miss my chocolates, gelatos, cookies and baking, but I feel so much closer to my children. Maybe this makes sense after all....

Today, I'm Lighting Candles

Look down at the "ticker" at the bottom of this blog. 2 years today! W-O-W! There have been many pity parties here, but not today. Today, I feel like celebrating. Tonight, we will be lighting candles - birthday candles - not the candles I light when I pray (above), but fun colorful candles - to mark this 2 year anniversary. What will we be celebrating? Hmmmm ... here's a start to a list:

• Bill and I are stronger than ever. We were quite smug in the beginning for choosing adoption. We thought, "In 6-9 months, we'll be parents of two!" This journey has humbled us. This journey has given us compassion and an understanding of what it means to long for children from the depths of your being. We have been with each other through the rollercoaster of emotions that this wait has brought.
  
• I have not only made "blog buddies," but real friends in these past two years. I have a community of you out there who understand what I am going through and who have been an incredible support. I don't think I would have made it this far if it weren't for you. Seriously! I also know this is only the beginning. One day, I'm actually going to have children. I am going to need you even more.
• I am not the same person that started this journey. When we first started filing our paperwork, I was the Executive Director of Youth Leadership Development at the organization Bill and I founded. I was at the top of my game professionally. People looked (still do) at our program as a model to emulate. We were getting awards, we were growing by leaps and bounds. Now, I have a small part-time job at a church, I work from home. I have spent a lot of time alone. I am changed. My self esteem is actually stronger. I am the one who recognizes my worth - not people who are impressed by titles and awards. I am more calm. I am more patient (God knows I need it). I am more aware of my strengths and weaknesses. I have learned how to pick myself up from pretty low places. I am more in touch with myself.
• Bill is not the same person that started this journey. Since I left our organization, he has had to take on an even stronger leadership role. He is great at it! My wonderful Bill has gotten a national award for our little org. He has been chosen for a now global leadership program in which he will participate for the next two years. He has empowered our staff to take on new responsibilities and become more and more professional. He is a great teacher, a great leader. He has also grown more and more in love with our kids without even knowing who they are. He will be a great dad.
• I learned that I am strong. I am getting to the bottom of my physical ailments (cross your fingers). At about the same time that I left my full-time job, I also started having crazy lower back and SI joint pain. I won't bore you with all the treatments I tried, but I will say that it has been quite an adjustment to go from being a very athletic person, to being a person that today walked 1 mile. 1 mile. The old me would have run a marathon or two in this waiting. Instead, I had to learn about limitations. I had to learn about physical pain. I am happy to say that I am feeling 80 % better. I hope to understand the why of this pain soon. Even though I am not physically at my best, I have learned that I have strength.
  
• My father is stable! My father, who lives in Brazil, has been battling with ALS. Though he has lost a lot in terms of quality of life, his disease seems to be stable right now. I thought that when I last said goodbye to him (1.5 years ago), that it was the last time I would ever see him. Through Skype, I see him almost every week! I hope, pray, and think it likely that he will even meet his grandchildren one day!
• We know what we want! There have been plenty of opportunities to change our request and hurry this process along. We have thought about it many times, but always felt that this was the course for us, that we are willing to wait as long as it takes for our children. OUR CHILDREN. (I love the sound of that!) And they are coming. This journey does have an end.
  
• There have been many celebrations along the way. I have had the honor, the pleasure, of seeing YOUR lives changed as many of you became a family. I have been touched, I have cheered and I have cried. This has been fuel for my wait, seeing that yes, it does happen one day! Just like Courtney said, "Poof!" And it will never be the same.

Though I look forward to the day it will never be the same, today, for this day, all is well! My Samba is sleeping at my feet. Bill will be home soon and we'll have lunch together. It is just another day, yet it is a beautiful and special day. I will be lighting candles.

Nothing to Blog About

Not much happening here. My brain seems to have also taken a vacation. Meanwhile, I wait, I hope, I distract myself. Probably not going to be posting much more this summer. But if you stop by, drop me a comment! I'd love to know you were here.

Peace out.

Evelyn

Away...

I've been away for most of the last three weeks... Philly, Mom's and Houston. I am very glad to be back home for a good long while. I got my need to wander and escape out of the way (for now). I spent time with friends, family and by myself.

Being away from my routine has been helpful for my WWWAAAAAIIIIIIIITTTTTT. It is no longer a wait or a WAIT, but a WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTT. Some days, like today, I am ambivalent about it - numb from a long stretch of days filled with hope and despair alternating in my heart.

It is so, so, so hard to hold onto hope!

There are a lot of questions in swimming around in my head. I doubt. I hope. I doubt. I can get so low, so low. But these days, I'm grateful for some of my Latina moodiness, my roller coaster emotional life. Because along with those real lows, there have been some wonder filled highs. I'll let the pictures speak for themselves. They are of our anniversary and the 4th of July.









Along these days away, I have worn and loved this bead one of you :) sent. I have gotten so many compliments on it. It made another adoptive parent cry. According to the sender, Ms. Creative Mama, this glass bead represents my adoption journey - a long, winding, bumpy road. I'll add that it is also ultimately beautiful, pain and all.

Eight Years!

Playing in the snow in Princeton back in the day.

Getting down at our engagement party

San Francisco - Honeymoon

Sonoma - Honeymoon

Our first apartment in ...

Philly!

Brazil Christmas 2003

Michigan with new addition to the family:

Brazil Trip 2006

Celebrating our anniversary 2 years ago and our decision to adopt from Ethiopia in Washington, D.C.

We worked together from 2001-2008. Here Bill is about to receive an award :)

Making up after an arguement ... my fault.

Taken on our honeymoon, looking into the future ... these 8 years have been full of laughter, love, challenge and WONDER! I look forward to eight more, and 8 more and 8 more ... to as many more years as life gives me with my Bill!

Te amo muito, meu amor!