Life Lesson #2: Finding our Common Humanity and Your Children Can Surprise You

What my dad looks like most of the time

Seeing my dad for the first time in six years was startling. His ALS had progressed to where he spends most of his day lying flat on a medical bed with a breathing machine attached to a full-face mask. The machine makes noise. His voice is now inaudible. He has very little muscle control left. His mind is clear and sharp. I did not know how my boys would react. I think my little guy was terrified at first. He would not even look at my dad for about a week. It was not until the final two days that he was able to hug my dad and say hello to him without turning his face away.

My oldest child, on the other hand, made me so proud on this trip. When he met my dad, I could tell he was a little thrown back and nervous. But he looked my father in the eye from day one. He greeted him with a wave and a smile the first couple of days, but then on his own he began greeting him with a hug. "Oi, vovo!" he would say every day. He was so sweet to him. The two developed a special bond, one that I was able to capture in the photo below. Since being back, he has said many times, in a sad voice, "I miss my vovo." Yes, son, I miss vovo, too.

If someone sits him up, dad can go without the mask for a few minutes at a time.  Here we were taking photos before our big goodbye.

The Little Things

There are so many small things that I miss about Brazil. Some seem insignificant, some I can't even name. But together they add up to more than their parts. It is a full-body experience that I cannot reproduce here in my little corner of America.

• The big sky: I miss how big and blue the sky is in Brasilia. I am not making this up. Ask Bill, ask my boys. The sky seems bigger and bluer in Brasilia. The clouds are whiter and puffier. The air feels clearer.
• Kissing on the cheek: Brazilians greet each other with two kisses, one on each cheek - unless two men are greeting, in which case they use a handshake and some back slapping.
• I miss the smallness: Smaller homes, small coffees and drinks, smaller packaging, smaller cars. With this comes more a more innovative use of space. Hidden and organized spaces to tuck things away.  I think it also brings with it a certain appreciation of the thing itself, without it having to be venti-sized.
• Hearing Portuguese. Language is tied to culture. There is no substitute to hearing Portuguese all around. The language has more ways of expressing emotion and of expressing care. The diminutive lets you know just how cute a little bitty baby is, and the augmentative lets you know just how big a hug you want to send someone.
• The enthusiasm. Bill, the boys, some friends and I were returning from getting ice cream around the corner when the entire city block exploded in cheers, screams and fireworks.  People hung out their windows, waving flags.   Even our friends started screaming in solidarity. A favorite team had scored a goal on TV.  It was so funny to see my boys stop and look absolutely confused by all of the commotion.
• Bem-ti-vi. I love that little bird. I don't even know what it looks like, but I love it's little song first thing in the morning. Bem ti vi, bem ti vi. Roughly translated, it means "I saw you well." A nice way to start the day.
• The food. Enough said. I swoon, I drool, I sigh from the wonderfulness of the food. And the smells! At lunch-time, no matter where you are, you can smell good meals being cooked, as people take their two hour lunch breaks, often at home and eat the main meal of the day.
• Breakfast. Fresh baked breads from the corner bakery, cheeses, jams, fresh tropical fruit, yogurts and of course, some delicious cafe con leite.
• Down time. Brazilians know how to take down time. With at least a month of vacation yearly, my friends travel regularly, whether it be to Europe, another South American country or the vacations spot a couple of hours away, they do get away. And they are able to leave work behind.
• Laughter. I think Brazilians are quick to laugh. It makes life feel lighter.
• Thumbs up. That is the universal sign for "hey, I might be cutting you off in traffic, but I don't mean any harm. We do what we have to do, right?" Thumbs up.
• The smells. We Brazilians love nice smelling soaps and lotions and we take lots of showers. Of course you run into a person here or there who just has not mastered the art of smelling nice, going overboard with some awful perfume. But generally, people use light and refreshing products that keep them smelling yummy and fresh like they just emerged from bathing in a spring infused with Amazon fruits and flowers.
  
  

There are lots of things that I don't miss. I don't miss the ridiculous amounts of hoops there are to jump through for every little thing ... from getting a temporary pre-paid cell phone to letting my children use the pool in the condo we stayed in. Living that bureaucracy daily would drive me mad. I also don't miss the stark inequalities among people or the government that can't seem to rid itself of corruption. But I love Brazil with a fierce love and I miss it tremendously when I am gone. I cannot go six years without going back again. It is too long, too much time spent without breathing all of this in.

Life Lesson #1: Love and Goodbye

 
I wanted to write down one of the many life lessons my boys learned from our trip to Brazil.  The boys really bonded with my younger brother, Marcos. He just graduated as a medical doctor and is doing one year of mandatory military service.  Even though he is working, he would come home early and make a lot of effort to spend time with my boys. I did not expect him to show them so much love, but he would go downstairs to play soccer with them, would to hang out with us every free minute he had, went with us to the zoo on his only day off after being on-call, etc. 

He was going away for the weekend two days before we left Brazil, so we had to say goodbye to him early. As soon as we shut the door after the goodbye, Agegnu's face crumpled in the elevator. I caught his eye and he became embarrassed and defensive because he was about to cry. I realized then that he had never had the opportunity to understand such a goodbye. Before, he was taken/left by loved ones without knowing what was going on. This time he knew he was saying goodbye to someone he loved and would not see for a long time. I told him that it was a natural reaction, that I cried when I had to say goodbye to people I loved. He completely dropped his defenses and cried and cried on me.  Bill and I were really touched to see him form a bond, feel the pain of goodbye and be able to express it.

Dear Brazil,

Saturday morning, I woke up to my child(ren) (K did not yet have his ears on) listening to this:

 

I just sat in bed and listened to A playing with K, who was still in his crib.  They have started this new ritual that allows Bill and me to sleep in a tiny bit on Saturday mornings.  A turns on the lights in their room, K stands up, and A makes K laugh and laugh with his antics.  The room is always destroyed, but we are grateful for the extra sleep.  

As I listened to them play, I also listened to that beautiful native tongue of mine drifting in from their room.  I listened to the fun rhymes that are impossible to translate, remembered my childhood and that old feeling came creeping in.   I didn't have to say much to Bill.  He said, "saudade."  Yes, saudade. It came out of hiding, to say hello, to say, "remember me?"  Of course I do.

There are some crevices in my heart that are filled with saudade.  Saudade of Evelyn when she was just "Lyn" (leen) or Eh-veh-leen.  Saudade of the girl who was finding her way there only to be transplanted here.  Nothing has marked my life as much as this uprooting, this sharp change of course, this splitting of myself.  I don't know if it was for better or for worse.  It just was and it just still is.  

As I am embracing a third culture into my family, I am afraid of Brazil getting pushed even further back into my memories.  It can get so lonely sometimes. I don't get to speak Portuguese on a regular basis.  Yes, there are some Brazilians here, but most of them came for very desperate reasons and find me an oddity.  "So, how long have you been here?"  They ask.  "27 years."  Silence.  We are very different.  I have established my life here.  They are just trying to make a go of it.  I look like them, I speak like them, but I am definitely odd. Odd?  Me?   I share much more in common with my American friends than my Brazilian ones in Brazil.  Much more, except that.  The saudade and the hole in my soul are mine.

Two of my brothers were born in Brazil and moved here to the US at the same time I did.  Except I was ten.  They were two and one.  They don't remember Brazil, and unlike me have no biological ties to it.  They feel no saudade.  Bill and I laughed yesterday, because his parents have lived in the same house he grew up in.  They are still there after 33 years.  Before going to college, I counted that I moved on average every two years and once, it was to another continent.  His story is the opposite of mine.  We love that in each other.

But as I was thinking about all this saudade,  feeling quite sad and sorry for myself, of course I had to wonder about A and K.  This move marked me more than anything in my life and yet I moved with my mom, with my brothers, with my step-dad.  I am still connected to my family in Brazil.  My support system remained the same.  I had the thought (sorry mom and por favor nao deixe commentarios aqui - mande por e-mail se quizer - em serio), "How could my mom just pluck me up and bring me here?"  The question seemed to echo, echo, echo....  She had her reasons and I know she did the best she could do given our situation in 1983.

But this is 2011.  And in 2009, we plucked up two beautiful little boys from Ethiopia and brought them here.  How could we?  And yet how could we not?

Sweet boys, 

I want you to know that we did the best we thought we could do given our situation and yours in 2009.  I will never fully understand the feelings you already carry within your little souls, but I am here to hold you.  And when you see me drift off into my saudade, I hope you will understand that it is okay to mourn something forever, it is okay to wonder "what if...," it is okay to be mad at your mommy and your daddy for the part they had in it, it is okay to cry with confusion, cry with sadness and cry when you don't even understand why you are crying.  Because there are some things that we just can't comprehend, can't let go of, can't reconcile - ever - at least that is what I currently understand.  I also hope you will always know that I am here, not only to hold, but to listen and to love you.  And you have each other.  You may feel differently about these things than your brother, but always share, always listen.  You have each other.    

With all of this talk of saudade, you might never guess that being born in Brazil and raised in the US is one of the things I like best about myself. It has made me one-of-a-kind.  It has given me a different way of looking at the world and I like it.  Yes, it makes me lonely sometimes, but it has also brought such great things into my life, too.  I have known since I was little, that the world is a big place, but that we all have something in common, we all share in a basic humanity, a basic goodness, the ability to be friends and to be family.  Perhaps having my family stretch across two big continents early on made it make perfect sense to have you come from another continent, too.  Our family is further strengthened.  Our hugs go farther around the world. 

Though both of you and I are both far away from where we began, love is one thing you cannot get away from.  You are so loved, my dears.  Both here and there, you are so loved.  May life be gentle with you, may it give you lots of love where your saudade can rest and may it also help you celebrate how unique and magical your journey has been.  Though I started writing this feeling saudade, I am finishing writing this feeling felicidade (contentment, inner peace, jubilee) for all that my own little journey has brought me - you and your daddy especially. 

Te amo, wud e shaloh, I love you,

Mommy

I Heart Both My Presidents!

You do not get any cooler than these two guys:

Feliz Aniversario, Pai! (Happy Birthday, Dad!)

Deus te abencoe, Pai! Espero poder te ver outra vez e te mostrar teus netos :)

Um grande beijo!!

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Here is the translation of the song, Sonho Meu:

Dream of mine, dream of mine,
Go get the one who lives away,
Dream of mine.

Go show this saudade (longing, missing)
With the liberty you have,
dream of mine.

In my sky, the guiding star has gotten lost,
The cold dawn only brings me melancholy,
Dream of mine.

I feel in the song of the night,
in the mouth of the wind,
stir the dance of the flowers in my thoughts,
bring the purity of a samba,
marked by the bitterness of love,
a samba that moves our bodies,
and that crazy wind, caressing the flowers,
dream of mine.

Dream of mine, dream of mine,
Go get the one who lives away,
Dream of mine.

* For those of you who do not know, my dad has had ALS for about 5 years. He lives in Brazil. In this slide presentation, you can see him get weaker over the years, but his spirit has gotten stronger! I love you , Pai!

Missing Brazil

I have been missing Brazil so much lately. I've been playing Brazilian music, following a couple of new favorite blogs of Americans living in Brazil, making Brazilian food - even watching some Brazilian TV on the internet. My life story is to belong to two places and neither one all at once. Here, I miss it there, there, I miss it here. I'm a bit "foreign" in either place. It is so hard to describe the crazy longing that I get in my soul for Brazil. Saudade is the only word. I wonder who I would have been had I never left, I am grateful for who I am and the experiences I have had ... two-sided emotions.

I wonder what my children will feel about Ethiopia. They will be leaving it much earlier than I left Brazil, but they will carry Ethiopia very visibly while Brazil is not something people always know about me. No answers today, just longing....

for Brazil.....

for my children .....

It is a sweet melancholy ...

I leave you with a bit of my favorite singer, Djavan ... I saw this clip on Lovely Dharma (love her blog!)

Trip Around the World

So today, with my Trip Around the World group, we "traveled" to Brazil. We learn a song from each country we visit. This time, we also learned a dance. Here is a bit of what it is like for me on Tuesday afternoons with 11 kids grades 1-9. Needless to say, I look forward to these afternoons and had a blast today :)

Saudade

Saudade: longing, yearning, ardent desire; homesickness, nostalgia

I am feeling such saudade for Brazil, my family and my friends there! I wish there was a cure. It has always been difficult for me to be of two cultures. I am always missing one of them.

Being bi-cultural is one of my biggest blessings, but it also brings sadness sometimes.

Saying Goodbye

I leave tomorrow... It is hard to think about leaving. I do want to be home and I am excited about meeting my new siblings tomorrow, but I am sad about leaving my dad. Is tomorrow the last day I will ever see him?

We were watching old home videos today. In them, my dad was so strong and funny. He is not so strong now, but he is still hilarious...we were laughing at his craziness just today at lunch.

2008 will be quite a year, starting immediately. I will leave my dad (perhaps for the last time), meet my new siblings, head home to finish the work I started at Metanoia almost 6 years ago and get ready to welcome my own children into my life.

Wow. Happy New Year.

It's Christmas, Let's Eat!

This is just the first course
Renata, Monica and me

(all three have wonderful curly hair - why would we want it straight?)

Since we haven't eaten enough on this trip, Celia (Monica's mom) had a Christmas party on Sunday. We ate and ate. I had a great time with friends. We all played a game where everyone had a piece of paper that they would read to find their match. Once the match was found, the two people hugged and kissed on the cheek. For example, someone would say:

I am the sky without stars.

and someone responds,

I am the stars for your sky.

Bill was the hit of the party because an old man said:

I am Santa Claus without a sack.

Bill had to respond (in PORTUGUESE)

I am the sack for your Santa Claus.

With Bill's Portuguese and the fact that the word "sack" in Portuguese is a double-entendre, the whole room (of about 30 people) was in tears laughing so hard!

Feijoada!

Beans!
Renata
The spread
Dessert
Renata's daughter (right) and a friend

Saturday in Brazil is FEIJOADA day. Feijoada is the most famous dish in the country and it consists of:

• spicy black beans cooked with various smoked meats
• rice
• sauteed collard greens (much better than boiled, in my humble opinion)
• farofa with bacon (sauteed manioc root meal)
• oranges
• pepper sauce

Today, we had feijoada at Renata's house. Her mother, Dona Gloria, makes by far the best feijoada I have had. They live in a great, big house outside the city. Their family is smart - instead of Renata and her daughter living in one apartment, her mother and father in a house, her sister in an apartment and her brother in another, they pooled all their resources together and now live in a HUGE house where everyone has their own space and they can help each other with cooking, baby sitting, etc. (Why don't more people do that?)

Dona Gloria (Renata's mom), Clelia (my stepmom) and Celia (stepaunt)

Fun With Friends

I spent Saturday with my friend Renata (in green) and Sunday with my cousin Monica. If it looks like all we do is eat, it is because it is true! Pictured is a bridge here in Brasilia.

Happy Birthday To Me!

Catupiry cheese-ricotta-chicken-spinach-olives-basil whole wheat crepe, banana-cinnamon-chocolate-whipped cream-ice cream crepe, spiked coffee with whipped cream, Brazil, live jazz, outside garden patio, cool night air, Brazilian brothers - those were all part of my fun birthday celebration at the C'est si bon Creperie! Yum!

Click here for the ICING ON THE CAKE of this day!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WGUBQ3H-eg

Talking to dad

I am in Brazil! My first night here, I stayed alone with my dad for about 20 minutes while my step-mom ran an errand. He was in his room, so I thought I'd go and watch TV with him. Thankfully, his TV reception was horrible. We talked instead.

We had the conversation I had been thinking about for months now ... telling him everything I wanted to make sure he knew before we lost the opportunity. I wasn't expecting to have this conversation my first night here, but my dad started it. With him, I feel this sense of not wasting words (he cannot talk above a whisper) and not wasting time. I don't want to publicize all that we talked about.... I will say that when my step-mom and brother came back, we were in tears holding each other.

He has truly entered a different realm from the one most of us inhabit. I am learning a lot being around the man who used to pick me up and make us laugh by holding furniture over his head like the incredible hulk. He now cannot feed himself. Today I picked him up. Today I fed him. I cannot put into words what that feels like.