Loving MY Three Year Old

Just thinking about A makes me laugh!  He has so much personality.  All the extremes of personality, too! He is a bit like me.  One minute he is laughing, playing, having fun.  The next, he is tantruming, shutting down, screaming or being Mr. Stubborn.  He, at least, has an excuse.  He is THREE.  Not so for ME.  Why do I make the comparison?  Because the road to love for A and me has not been easy.  He pushes my buttons.  I push his.  At first, this was extremely trying.  Now, we still push each others buttons, but we also hug, we also kiss, we also exchange, "I love you, A!" and "Mommy A, I love you!" (He, like his favorite pal Elmo, speaks in third person.)

Back in the day, on December 18, 2009, we met A for the first time.  He emerged from a full room of kids, everyone making room for him as they knew this was his moment.  He walks up to Bill (I had the camera) and Bill scoops him up in his arms.  He is so much smaller than we expected him to be.  He is shy, reserved.   I am a babbling mess holding the camera and soon we exchange - camera, son.  Son.  Our son hugs us, gives us each a kiss on the cheek.  He looks uneasy at the camera, but he doesn't let go. He, unlike his baby brother, remembers what a loving family feels like.  His world turned upside down for 8 months and he has held on to whoever would give him a little attention.  He holds on to us and we will not let him go. It was definitely love at first sight, but love at first sight doesn't always prove to be the lasting kind unless you work at it.

Our first month together can be described by the word SURVIVAL.  There didn't seem to be much bonding between A and me.  He was all about DAH-DEE!  DAH-DEE and I were so stunned by the addition of two to our family that we just barely made it through the days.  Caretaking became a full time job for BOTH of us and then Bill went back to work.   A seemed to respectfully tolerate me, but as soon as Bill came home, it was "Dah-dee, ho-pee!" (Daddy, up!)  K was so needy - bottle, diaper change, rock, nap, repeat, that I had little time for independent little A during the day.  This began to really bother me for weeks and came to a head when I read this post . A was always extremely affectionate.  With Bill.  I needed to remind myself to hold A, to kiss him, to hug him whenever I got a chance.  He didn't usually ask me to hold him or hug him, but the gestures were ALWAYS well received.  A good friend told me that she did not let her daughters (who were also adopted) pass by without some level of touching - patting their head, tickling, hugging, etc.  I took her advice.

Bill had just started using K's Ergo with A.  It worked beautifully to calm him down and gave Bill some room to do other things besides hold A ho-pee.  The first few times he used it, A fell asleep in minutes.  I started to use it with A, too, when K was napping.  I started telling A how much I loved him as much as possible.  I loved his original responses, "A wud e shalo mommy."  Love started building.

Then I pulled out my secret weapon with children.  After years of working with kids, I had not pulled out my secret weapon with my own child!  Stress can make you so uptight that you are not yourself.  And myself is goofy, about as goofy as any 3-8 year old.  9 year olds and up are too cool for my goofiness.  I started to act goofy and A ate it up.  "Mommy silly girl!" he would say to me as I way over reacted to things, as I danced ridiculously in front of him, made faces or made outrageous claims.  We began to really bond with laughter.

Though still a daddy's boy, I can tell you that A really loves his mommy.  He tells me so many times a day.  I admire his bravery and resiliency so much.  He remembers what happened to him and his birth family in Ethiopia.  With his limited English, we talk about it sometimes.  He speaks matter of factly about things that would make you cry.  Yet he has attached to us and grabbed onto his new life with extreme gusto.  He is so curious and absorbs everything he hears and sees.

I confess that loving a three year old is not always as easy as loving a baby, but it is just as rewarding.  He has his opinions.  Strong opinions about everything.  But there is a lot of integrity in that, don't you think?  He is his own person.  We will love him and help mold him, but he will be whom he will be!  A!  As I have learned to watch and observe him, I have actually learned a lot about me.  As I look at the world through his eyes, my inner curiosity, optimism and wonder kick in.  I love my A.  My A loves me. Loving a three year old - I recommend it!

 
Pictured:

1. A wearing toy "glassics" that belong to one of my brothers.
2. A's hair after a typical hour of playing out in the backyard with Samba.
3. Dah-dee's boy.
4. A/Mommy moment - thanks to Ergo.
5. A wearing my boots and striking a signature A pose - pointing to emphasize a point - loudly!
6. A carrying "Kibi", his baby that gets bathed, fed, dropped on his head, loved, kicked, tossed ... Kibi is a love object/science experiment.
7. A loves to talk on his selki/phone.  He also likes to accessorize his brother.