it seems that even though i am almost at six mo of being a mother, 2 children + one having special needs + me being very hard on myself and expecting to be supermom = just too much. add to that a solid month of traveling and having several overnight guests and you get me, at my edge. out of frustration and stress, friday, i punched the floor with my fist and broke my right hand. too much. i know, this is the
second bone in 6 mo. for those of you who don't know me in person, i promise i am not crazy. passionate, yes, but not crazy. but this is a crazy time in my life. tuesday, i have an appt w/ my doc. i will ask for meds for anxiety/depression for the first time in my life. i have never reached such an edge before - not one i could not exercise, meditate, therapy or talk my way out of.
day to day life is really great. it really is. the joy i get from my boys is incalculable. i just don't seem to be able to handle extra stuff very well. and extra stuff is here for a while with this crazy month and k's surgery. people always ask me about siblings - is it a good idea to adopt two at once. yes. but when i say it is hard, "hard" here is the hardest i have ever experienced. blogging and commenting will be hard for a while. this has taken me so long to write. this is my second chance to let go of a lot of things, reach out for help and get healthy. i am confident, but broken.
Ouch! I'm sorry...I know how things can pile up and get to be just "too much"!! I've been known to throw a remote or two...always at a wall, never at a person!! :)
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself, Mama!! And embrace those joyful moments with your precious boys!!
I, too, can understand "too much." I have many a times wanted to just get in the car and drive. Away from all of it. I hope that you will be able to take some time just for you. It is necessary to do regularly. It is equally important for you and your husband to regularly find time for the two of you minus children. Otherwise, I have found, the insanity will persist. Thinking of you...
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I know all about "too much" - I'm about to put a moratorium on going out of town because neither I nor the kids can handle it any longer. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteEvelyn, I am in awe of your honesty, and I praise you for your openness! This is something MANY women/mothers go through, but keep it buried under the carpet. You are not crazy. You are the most sane person I know for acknowledging and reaching out to your doctor---it will help! BTDT.
ReplyDeleteMy goodness. I hope that you heal quickly. Do not be hard on yourself. This parenting thing we are doing is hard work! Take good care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh, Evelyn. I'm so sorry about your hand! That has got to be tough (and also really hurt). I'm glad you're taking steps to take care of yourself. It's okay to ask for help. Hang in there, mama.
ReplyDeleteSending much love your way. I'm going to be posting a write-up I did a couple weeks ago on my new blog, but it will be a post that is password protected. It was about a time when it all became "too much" as well. Shoot me an email if you're interested in reading about a similar situation (in regards to frustration and being hard on oneself)....
ReplyDeleteTry and be gentle on yourself, sweet one.
Evelyn, I have not met you in person but I have never once doubted your sanity! This is hard, this parenting thing. Joyful, wonderful, breathtaking, but also stressful and difficult. Sometimes I think the stress and hardness is spoken about less in adoptive parenting circles and I admire your honesty and courage in sharing it. Six months is still very early days, too, and your children are very young and at very needy stages of their lives. For better or for worse it will not always be this intense.
ReplyDeleteIn retrospect it took me close to a year after our second one came home before I felt I had a degree of normalcy in my life. Even now, it is still touch and go at times. I echo what others say about taking good care of yourself and getting breaks when you can.
Too Much. Doesn't aptly describe it. You will get through. You all will. HUGGS!!
ReplyDeleteEvelyn, can't say you look nice in Taupe elastic-yuck-what were you thinking?? I wish I was closer to you so we could give you a "hand" with things (grin). I know you are saying you are almost 6 months being a mom- but can I just re-emphasis- you are "ONLY" 6 months into being a mom and you are despite your injuries - doing very well. Here we fall apart - build and it seems 3 months later fall apart again. You are going to be fine- good idea seeing your doctor- most of the families I know -including myself- have done the same or a similar thing. next year this time will be better-than now! Hang in there!!! Bless you-and Congrats- you've made it 6 months. With love and strength to you all -KC
ReplyDeleteThe single most important thing I did when parenting my child when she was a baby was go to the doctor and ask for help. My husband had to make the appt. because I had too much pride. But he knew it needed to be done. And it did. Need to be done. It turned my life around. I was able to breathe again. And sleep. And love in a way that didn't include so much anxiety. I understand. The hardest part is the first step. Sounds like that has already been taken. Keep walking. It's all downhill from here.
ReplyDeleteoh my dear, I'm thinking of you so much. I know it's hard to put things "out there" for the world to read, and I completely value your candor and humility in posting this.
ReplyDeleteOh Evelyn, it is so hard . I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Hang in there. It gets easier, I promise. Much, much love to you.
ReplyDeleteEvelyn, I'm not sure whether to cry with you or laugh with you...the story of the broken bones WILL be funny in ten or twenty years, yes?
ReplyDeleteI struggle with finding productive ways to express my frustration too, what keeps me from giving up the struggle is thinking about the example I am setting for Elfe. When I see her slamming doors or stomping off or yelling, I see my own reflection and I don't like it. It's hard, but it's worth it.
I hope you find some relief soon, one way or another. Whatever works!
It took me two years to feel sane after my first child. One year after the second child (first adoption). But, and this is a big BUT, with two kids my trigger sensitivities flare much more quickly. Honestly, I cannot fathom what you have done the past 6 months, two adopted kids at once scares the crap out of me.
ReplyDeleteDo what you need to do - we are all always out here.
Thank you (as always) for being so brave and putting it all out there. I can't relate, haven't BTDT (yet); we're still waiting for our sibs. But know that you have a huge cheering section here in the blogosphere rooting for you and the boys. Hang in there and get the help you need. Take some time to yourself and hug those beautiful boys!
ReplyDeleteOy. I felt the same when my boys were little....it seemed like so much ALL the TIME. With my girls, my expectations of myself and of them are lowered and life is easier....but with your first, two you expect so much esp of yourself. Hope you get a break; i know the anxiety of K's surgery can take a toll,too. Hope everything slows down for a bit; and no more broken bones.
ReplyDeleteI am surprised I haven't broken a bone yet...I too have punched a wall or two in the past 7 months. My girls are great but life can become too much and we question our sanity. It's so easy to overdue it when we think we have more in us. I am trying to do less...enjoy simple moments more. You are not alone. Lots of love to you!
ReplyDeleteYou are so brave for sharing this. I hope your doc is able to help and I think your little cast looks kind of cute if that will cheer you up a tad. :)
ReplyDeleteEvelyn, you are just amazing! In a totally good way! It is so, so hard. This past month that I have been on nearly full-time kid-duty proves to me every day that parenting is the hardest job there is. Yes, rewarding and beautiful and all that good stuff, but the good stuff doesn't make it any less difficult. Get more breaks!!! Really. Child care, here and there, can be a sanity saver. Thinking of you!!! Stacy
ReplyDeleteI almost bloodied my hands digging in the hardest dirt I could find a couple of months after J came home. Sometimes some physical aggression just makes you feel better.
ReplyDeleteDon't be too hard on yourself. This $*%& ain't easy...
Stupid floor. I hope you get some relief one way or another. I'll be thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteyou are so strong. i am glad that you are being proactive and are dedicated to taking care of yourself. big hugs to you. i am always thinking of you and sending you so much love. you are so dear to me. and i am sorry that you are having to deal with so much right now.
ReplyDeletei struggle a lot with anxiety. i have to tell myself to let go and recognize that there are just certain things that i can't control. please, find a way to have some time to yourself to recharge, relax, and regroup. i wish i lived closer so i could help shoulder some things for you.
and the other thing ... it's ok to say "no" if you are overwhelmed. be kind to yourself and set boundaries for what you are comfortable with. you are beautiful and brave ... you will find your way.
Oh, Evelyn, so sorry about the hand, girl. But I am so proud of you for reaching out for help and I am SO SO thankful, completely grateful for your honesty and how hard it has been. Hopefully, after K's surgery things will simmer down. I will keep you in my thoughts, girly.
ReplyDeleteEvelyn, you never shy away from the tough stuff and I love that about you- and that's also what will get you through the tough stuff.
ReplyDeleteHope your arm heals soon and you get some relief in more ways than one.
Evelyn...just at the time we got our referral, I had a health problems (not at all life-threatening, but serious) that sent me over the top in terms of anxiety. My husband is a psychiatrist and urged me to try an SSRI, which I never had, and had always looked down on, like I can handle my own stuff, thank you (mainly thru exercise, as you said). But, this time I couldn't. The combo of the health sutff plus the pending adoption, court closures, etc. were too much. I was a nervous wreck last summer. I finally filled the Rx, and kept it in the cabinet for a month. And one day, I (with a great deal of shame, who knows why) took the freaking pill. The anxiety started to lift the next day. I stayed on it for six months, and went off no problem when I felt much calmer. It helped me a LOT. Good that you're getting the help you need. Take care!!!
ReplyDeleteGood to talk to you just now--it's all one big motherhood support group out here, and that's a blessing.
ReplyDeleteJust keep telling yourself, "Hey, no one will notice my hand because they'll be so dazzled by my sassy new summer haircut!" :)
I wanted to tell you that this is so normal and then once the frustration has passed the guilt totally sets in... I tend to blow up and use the bad word, yep, the really bad one. I hate it. I am nervous about our new addition of 2 older, non related boys, not because they will be hard but because of the extra stuff that will push me over the edge, more appointments, paperwork, grocery store runs, etc.... thank you for sharing. It is not easy to do but you are NOT alone my friend!
ReplyDeleteOh Evelyn, thinking of you. xxx
ReplyDeleteEvelyn, been trying to find time for the last day to write you. I get it, feel for you. I've punched the floor a few times in the last few months as well - we have carpet and lots of padding. Parenting two is harder than parenting one (which I thought was hard). Parenting a child with special needs is hard, hard, hard. The mental energy used in researching, doctor's visits, imaginary wanderings, and more is exponential. The fatigue is real. AND I wouldn't take back the decision we made to adopt six years ago for anything. As you said, the joy is incalculable. The learning to let go is painful, but it happens...over and over because the learning doesn't seem to be a done deal. As friends have held me in light and love during difficult days, I hold you close to my heart today.
ReplyDeleteMelissa
It's taken awhile and I still cannot come up with what I feel are the right words. Firstly, I want to be neighbors, because really there are no adequate words but there is chicken soup. Secondly, we have all been there many many times. Two children at one time at their ages and one special needs? Darling it's amazing you haven't put your hand through every window in your house.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any answers on how to balance it or anything else. Would that I did all of my financial woes would be over:-))
We are here. That's the best that I can offer. We are here, and you are not alone and they will get a wee bit older and believe me even a wee bit older and it will be easier.
Much much love out to you and yours dear friend.
it may have been
ReplyDeletea time ago
almost another lifetime ago
actually
that you
let me
show you
me
dropping to the floor
fighting the good fight
against the shame
against the despair
against taking the blue-grey capsule
so I sat in yoga pose
and therapy pose
day after day
stripped down raw
frayed nerves
sleepless nights
anger inward
and outward
tears spiraling
down the rabbit hole
no end in sight
but you
YOU
one of the few
got it
stepped in
with cloths and hope
wiped away
the shame
let me breathe
enough
to swallow the pill
to know
there is strength
in a tall YES
and letting me show
you
me
rising anew.
Oh Evelyn, I think every mom has those times where there is just too much going on. I am also sure you are not the first to punch the floor (or throw something at a wall, or need to leave the room for a breather while your kids scream - whatever the case is). Give yourself a break, two boys are a lot of work and you are a good mom.
ReplyDeleteOh Evelyn, I get it. It is hard, you are not crazy and you are a super mom. Thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon. Let me know if any of those drugs help, I might need them myself soon! XOXOXOXOXO - Heidi
ReplyDeleteEvelyn - so sorry to hear about your injury. I hope it is healing at this point. Hang in there! When I think back to how it was 6 months after my boys came home to us - pretty sure the little one still wasn't speaking and the older one was still spitting at me every night before he went to sleep! - not sure how I made it through without breaking something! Oh, yes, now I remember how I made it through - with the support of my other Ethiopia Mommies. We are here for you! :-)
ReplyDeleteEugenie in Westerly, RI
Mom to Bereket (9) & Tsegaye (6)
Wow. Where have I been, apparently dealing with stuff too, but not like this - you are doing amazing, acckkk,... my computer is cracking up, I mean I can only imagine how much harder the challenges you're going through..... Can I do anything? Can I send you a virtual cloud of funny thoughts for some levity?? Can I send you love, I am sending you love.
ReplyDeleteCindy