Referral, Part II – Fear

The next part of the story is no fairy tale, but it is important in its own way. This is hard for me to write, but I think it might be helpful for some of those who are waiting, or who have had a similar experience in their referral. Seeing a picture of the boys sends me into scared shock. I am disappointed. I am disappointed that we didn’t get a little girl. I am disappointed that A is at the oldest end of our age request. I am disappointed that I had not been clairvoyant enough to envision these boys. I am upset at being disappointed. Bill and I debrief a bit and read all of the information we have on the boys. Bill heads back to work. I shower, go the drugstore and go mentor at the school. I do it all in a complete daze. I finally come home later in the afternoon and cry on and off for the next 24 hours. Bill and I go to a movie that night, exhausted and unable to take in all that has happened.


That night, I go to sleep crying and wake up crying the next day. I am afraid of so many things- afraid to accept the referral, afraid to reject the referral, afraid to parent two boys, afraid to say goodbye to the little girl I envisioned and most of all, afraid to wound my husband with the way I was acting! Though he was ready to accept the referral early on, he was on complete standby during my emotional roller coaster. Saturday was a hard day!


We still had told no one about what had happened. We didn’t want to tell until we officially accepted the referral. To officially accept, I had to get with the program and we were waiting on the medical report from the international adoption clinic. I felt I had to talk to someone, someone who would not judge me at this vulnerable moment, someone who could help me sort this stuff out, someone who was not Bill. We agreed for me to call my mom. Sworn to secrecy, she listened. The first thing she said was how wonderful boys are. I have two sets of brothers – two in the US from my mom (I am 7 & 8 years older) and two from Brazil from my dad (I am 12 & 16 years older). She thought her boys were so sweet, caring and fun. She helped me climb down that ladder of fear a few rungs.


Why this fear of boys? I had been the only girl growing up and since then I have formed very strong bonds with women of all ages. Though a complete and utter tomboy growing up, I have become a girly-girl woman who loves tea parties, pretty stationary, baking, frilly PJ’s, books by and about women, sewing, crafts, etc. In the leadership development programs I ran, little girls attached to me in a way that boys never did. The boys in our community have been mostly raised by single mothers or grandmothers with multiple factors working against them and extremely few, if any positive male role models in their lives. They are pretty wounded and carry around hard shells of what they think being a man means. Deep down they are lovable, but I must admit they are harder to connect with, for the most part.


But these aren't my boys. They are going to have a wonderful father! My mom was able to make calm down and think from a better place. Bill gave me a lot of grace, too. He reminded me that I created a vision of what our family would look like as a means to survive and keep hope for the last 25 months. I was convinced we would have a boy and a girl and that they would either be twins or at the youngest end of our age request. But that was not reality. Reality took me by surprise.


That night, I go to sleep a little more peacefully, a little less hard on myself, but am still completely and utterly overwhelmed.