Meanwhile, the Three Continent Family evolves. I cannot say love is in full bloom yet in my heart, but I know the seeds are there. I can't say I feel like a mother, though I don't know what else I could possibly be doing to have the certainty to say it. I am absolutely a mother in everything I do now, I just don't feel like one all the way yet. But unlike last Monday, this Monday, I have had more sleep. I know these things will come.
For now, I am just trying to appreciate the moments when those feelings ARE there. This afternoon, for example, I pulled out our indoor hammock (like any self-respecting Brazilian has in their home) for the first time. I swung in it. Agegnehu smiled. I pulled him in. Kibru stared. I pulled him in, too, and found myself sitting between two little boys, swinging in our sunny back porch on a cold winter day. They were both quiet (miracle # 1) and leaning into me, who for a second, felt very much like a mama.
Today, Bill has gone back to work part-time. I cried when he left. I dreaded this afternoon. But instead of temper tantrums and too much energy, we swung in a hammock. I put them down for a nap and the older one actually sleeps (miracle # 2). Baby played and played and is now asleep, too.
girl, its time to pass that little tiny voice a microphone!! sing, it, shout it...not only might you, but you are!!! those moments...like the one in the hammock...those moments woven together are what makes this all worth while. the more time passes the more of these you will have...they will be your healing balm at 2 am when both kids decide its a good time to throw up, or in the grocery store when your heart hits the floor as tantrums ensue at full volume. all these things combined are what makes you a mama....and the hammock?! a stroke of genius!! good for you!
ReplyDeleteits so good to read your honesty with the mama/family transitions!! truth is so important and such a positive inspiration for all us readers who feel the same!
xoxoxo
Yay Evelyn!
ReplyDeleteI think I miss being able to finish something without being interrupted a 100 times with "Mommy!" "Yes, I know you're hungry, if you would stop shouting at me to come look at things, I could finish making your breakfast!"
Isn't it ridiculous how hard it is!! The hammock is awesome. You are doing great!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing great! Being a mommy is a mixture of the sweet, sweet tender moments, the funny moments, the frustrating ones, the sometimes downright enfuriating ones, the sleep deprived ones, a whole package of different things.
ReplyDeleteJust two weeks!? It is coming together beautifully. And they are also only two weeks into having a mommy and a daddy who hold them a different way, live in a strange place, love them in a different way, and speak in a different tongue, and - suddenly - are the only ones entrusted with their day-to-day care. Perplexing for them too! Love you!
Evelyn, it IS so hard! But it gets a little bit easier as time goes on, and as they get older, and eventually you will have a tiny bit of personal time again. Sounds like you are doing a great job of being there for your boys so that the attachment can happen. It'll be OK soon to tap in to those friends and relatives who want to give you a little break! Thinking of you, Amiga.
ReplyDeleteI just love reading about your blog and seeing you enjoy your new motherhood. Your boys are breathtakingly beautiful, and it's a privilege watching you all grow together as a new family.
ReplyDeleteHI Evelyn, I love reading your posts! When I read about all the little things you once took for granted (brushing your teeth, a shower, running an errand, talk over dinner, a phone call) I actually had to stop and think back to a time when those things were done uninterrupted!~ I still do all of these things, but have slowly managed to find a new way to do each of these things... brushing teeth is usually done while sharing the sink with my 7 year old, waiting my turn to tell a story at dinnertime, running errands has become so much "easier" with 6 little hands "helping". But trust me... things may take twice the time to accomplish, but they are so much more satisfying when you accomplish them!!! Every day presents new challenges, accomplishments, setbacks, and victories... Parenthood is the greatest joy I have ever experienced... We are patiently waiting for a referral of siblings to add 4 more little "helping hands" to our family~ You are doing a great job and don't forget to celebrate the small victories that occur each day.... they will get you through the tough times. I love reading your updates and you, Bill and your boys are in my thoughts and prayers~
ReplyDeleteMichelle (patiently waiting for our sibling referral with WHFC)
Evelyn,
ReplyDeleteI love reading your blog! The honesty is so refreshing and keeps me coming back!! It really sounds like things are starting to get better and only two weeks in....wow!!! Imagine how great it will be at a month or two...or six!!
Love it! Love your honesty, love the relationship you are building, love this blog! :-) You are doing a GREAT job!!!
ReplyDeleteOK the line about appreciating brushing your teeth made me laugh out loud!
ReplyDeleteand the last line brought tears to my eyes.
when i was in the hospital with Quinn my mother was with me. at one point, i'm not sure how it happened but i was standing up out of bed (12 hours after surgery) and my mother was standing up and Quinn was totally naked and i was handing him to my mom like - under his arms - not right at all. Our baby nurse, who was jamaican walked in and saw us and grabbed Quinn and said to us "Really, are either of you mother's???? I'm not giving him back to you until you both pull yourself together!!!"
and then she left the room. My mother has 4 children and and Quinn was her seventh grandchild and we both looked at each other and burst out laughing. and then my mom said something like - well...sometimes i forget that i really am a mom!
oh, i don't remember when i 'felt' like i was quinn's mom but once when he was 2 1/2 years old i went early to daycare to pick him up because i missed him and one of his friends said (who was also about 3 years old "Quinn! Your mom's here too early! you tell her no moms until 5 PM!!!"
and i remember thinking 'wow' i am someone's mom!
it's crazy! it comes and goes. that's probably good.
love this post and the photos.
great job mama!
They're gorgeous, and you're gonna be a fabulous mom (you already are, I'm sure). The best parenting advice anyone ever gave me was one simple word: SURRENDER.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Evelyn. I LOVE these pictures. Sound like you are doing a wonderful job with your boys. Hang in there!!
ReplyDeleteyou're doing it!! yay!
ReplyDeleteEvelyn, Evelyn...love seeing and hearing you (and the boys) blossom and love your bravery for sharing it with us. You are an inspiration. (And your boys are too damn cute!)
ReplyDeleteYou are ABSOLUTELY DOING IT!!!! And the Mamma moments are still a little bit of a myth, in my opinion. Do I feel vast love for my son? Yes. Would I lay down in front of a train for him? Yes. Do I still sometimes feel like a 13-year-old girl living in a grown-up person's life? Absolutely! The boys are adorable!
ReplyDeleteEvelyn - Yes, Yes, Yes - you are doing it! You are an inspiration. I love the person above me who said she sometimes feels like "a 13-year-old living in a grown-up person's life" - I feel like that all the time... like I still need a mom much more than I can be a mom! I'm not old enough to be doing this! Yet as you know too, most of my friends are moms several times over and have kids in grade school. When I was pregnant, I polled all those friends with questions on what baby things to buy, what brands they liked, and general words of wisdom... the best things I remember they said were that there's usually no "right" way to do things, not to worry when I screw up because I will screw up occasionally, and to remember that there is a "whole extended family" of other women/moms/friends out there who support me... Just reading what all these sweet women have to say on your blog is encouraging to me too!
ReplyDeleteLove all the pictures - keep them coming.
Isn't it great to know that you really can do it? And take pictures, too! Good job! I'd love to have that hammock! Those boys are so darn cute!
ReplyDeleteThe thing I thought about becoming a mother is that it was like forced meditation. I had to slow it down and deal with the meditative being in the moment with no distraction thing that goes along with parenting. I was driven by my need to sleep, it became an obsession!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing it, Evelyn! BTW, there are still some days when I want to cry when my husband goes to work.
I don't recall if I've ever commented on your blog, but I have to tell you how much I love reading it. I hate what your going through right now and wish I had something magic to say that would make it all better. This is the part where I really wish that all of us lived on some type of compound so we could really help out when needed.
ReplyDeleteBoy do I remember the first day my husband went back to work. I was petrified and I only had one child! I'm completely amazed you're able to find the time/strength to blog and so happy you're putting this out there for others.
You're boys and your family are divine.
Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts as you go through this MAJOR adjustment in life. Sounds like you're hanging in there. The boys look great in those photos and I love the hammock idea!
ReplyDeleteLooks like you are doing a great job a mom to these precious little ones! They are lucky to have you! Cherish these magical first weeks home with your children. One day you'll look back and realize how magical it was, and you'll wish you could go back to this time just for a moment! I know I did!
ReplyDeleteAgegnehu has the most adorable smile!
ReplyDeleteI love the AA saying "Fake it till you make it!" It has helped me out in many situations, including mothering. One day you will wake up in love.....
Jennifer in NC
You ARE doing it!! So proud of all three of you!!! And the whole hammock thing is very sweet :)
ReplyDelete