So, today's speech therapy session started something like this:
At the sink, the water is running.
Therapist: "Boo-boo, turn the water on."
Boo-boo: "On, pease."
Therapist: "Fill the cup up. Full."
Boo-boo: "Full."
Therapist: "Pour the water out."
Boo-boo: "Empty."
Laugh, giggle, joy, full, empty, full, empty, repeat. Turn the water on, turn the water off. Dry off the cups and return to the therapist's office.
Therapist: "Can you put the cow in this bowl and the duck in this one?"
Boo-boo: "Moo, duck."
Laugh, squeal, repeat with other objects. Last object - a firetruck, with wheels. (My boys are nutso about cars and trucks. Boo-boo loves anything with wheels.)
Therapist: "Ok, Boo-boo, we are going to read a book. Can you put the firetruck in the bucket?"
Boo-boo shakes head no.
Therapist: "Boo-boo. It's my turn to get the firetruck."
Boo-boo: YELL!
Therapist: "My turn."
Boo-boo: Throws off one of his cochlear implant processors.
Therapist: "No. Do not throw."
Boo-boo: YEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!! Throws off second processor.
Therapist and me: Furiously shaking our heads no since he cannot hear at this point.
Boo-boo: Throws firetruck across the room and grabs for ears to throw off processors (which he is no longer wearing).
I give him my hand to try to calm him - SCRATCH, PINCH!! YELL!!
At this point, the yelling is constant and LOUD. Boo's face is purple. Fierce tears are streaming. The therapist suggests we try time out. I concede. She puts him in a small chair. He is kicking, screaming, scratching and trying to get away. At this point, I see fear in his eyes. I take him in my arms.
Scratch, hit, pintch, pull hair, pull earrings, almost break necklace. Scream, cry, yell bloody murder.
We try all types of tactics. I try to soothe him with rocking and stroking. Nothing stops the non-stop flailing arms and legs, trying to grab any part of me to hurt me while screaming at the top of his lungs. It has been 10 minutes now and he does not stop. The session is clearly over, even though our time is not up. I take him to a secluded area in the hospital - yes, we are in a hospital, with people in little rooms everywhere listening to this screaming child of mine. We are alone. Not satisfying. All of the above continues, while the therapist goes back to her room to retrieve my things, which Boo-boo has thrown all over her office. By the time she returns, I am crying, too!
I don't know what to do! I am so sad that I cannot calm my child. So sad that I have to restrain him physically to keep him from hurting himself or me. I am embarrassed to leave the hospital and to pass people in waiting rooms in order to get to my car. I am a mess - Boo-boo is a mess. I don't want people to think I am kidnapping my own baby.
The therapist knows a back way out. We go downstairs through the emergency exit. Boo's cries echo up the concrete stairs. I have to walk a block across a park to get to my car. I am restraining him while he cries and I cry. We pass kids playing and people with their dogs who just stop and stare.
He continues to cry half-way to Scootle-doot's school. I estimate that this tantrum lasted about half and hour. He is exhausted and breathing heavy at the end of it all. His face has a look I have never seen before. My arms hurt from trying to restrain him for so long. This was a tough morning, to say the least. So many questions, so many inadequacies on my part.
Yes, I know this is very typical behavior for a two year old (he will be two Friday!). But there is a lot more to this. My children are fragile and sometimes, I get carried away with their resiliency and forget to respect their needs. We have been visiting grandparents since last Monday. I wanted extra help since Bill has been traveling (he returns Wednesday). There was a lot of driving, a lot of different routines, a lot of different people coming and going. All of this, while both boys' favorite person in the whole wide word is missing. We arrived last night and both boys got to bed late.
This morning, it was a rush to get Scootle to school and Boo to therapy on time. Add to all of this Boo's inability to express some of the most basic needs of two year olds due to his language delay. He was tired! He was happy to wake up in his own bed and home and I plucked him away. And then I let the therapist put him in time out!? That look he gave me made me so sad. It was as if I gave up on him, deserted him. If anyone was going to put him in time out - which he doesn't understand anyway - it should have been me.
I canceled my plans to go grocery shopping with the boys this afternoon and all of us just stayed put at home. We took long naps, played outside and did lots of cuddling while going back to our NORMAL routine. Boo-boo fell asleep as soon as he touched the bed tonight, back in his world, back in his security.
And I sit here, ridden with guilt. I am going away Friday-Tuesday. More upheaval on the way, baby. At least he will be home with daddy.
Mama, please, don't be hard on yourself. Tears for you here. You stayed with him, you were there for him through it all. I can't stand the thought that you feel bad. You did everything you could and I feel very sure that he understood that. Being there with a person, two y.o. or not, when he is at his worst moment, his worst feelings, it's not easy, but it is a gift that he is expressing it with you. What if he kept that all pent up inside? Hugs to you, Mama.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry. If there is a silver lining, though, it is that he trusts you and feels safe enough to have that kind of tantrum. He recognizes your unconditional love. That's something.
ReplyDeleteGive yourself grace, lovely one. You are a wonderful mother. It is so hard to watch our children suffer. It sometimes catches us off-guard, we're not ready (when are we ever?), we get flustered, confused, frustrated, sad....you name it, we feel it. This is mothering. There is nothing wrong whatsoever with anything you did. I'm sorry it was so hard. You need to replenish YOU, too, remember....and this weekend will be perfect for that. Much love to you! BIG squeeze! oooo
ReplyDeleteEvelyn, I hadn't read your blog when I posted about Lydia's tantrums. . . sorry to be insensitive there. Didn't mean to be. Well, we all know our kids' limits, and there's only one way we could have found out, which means we've all pushed our kids beyond their limits before. I still feel guilty about doing way too much with Lydia the first month she was home (I was too exhausted the first month Caroline was home to push either of us).
ReplyDeleteWhen Lydia was young we started a game when I was leaving her. I'd say, "Mama comes back. Mama ALWAYS. . . " and Lydia would say, "Comes back!" It became our mantra: Mama comes back. Mama ALWAYS comes back. It got to be where just saying it reassured her, because she began to see where it was true. Maybe something like this would be good to develop with Boo for times like this. I'm glad he is used to being cared for by Daddy when you're gone, and knows that's a safe place. Hugs from me too.
Oh Evelyn.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard. I can't believe that forever and ever people have been raising children. I had no idea it was so heartbreaking (or awsome)! Fear in your baby's eyes is the worst thing ever. I struggled so much with discipline vs. comforting. Time out is totally effective with Ruth and completly useless with Aster. I tried putting Aster in her room with the door closed for punishment a few times and she was completely traumatized by it. So much so that she freaks out when doors are closed in general. Oops. But I don't see fearful eyes so much these days anymore. I am lucky, like you, to have a husband who is very much present in the parenting department and my kids are comforted by him as much as by me. So when I went away (11 days)last Fall, I was okay because they were with him. Aster punished me brutally - wouldn't not even look at me for 2 days upon return, and was very distant and mad at me for a week. But I came back. "Mama always comes back." The guilt is overwhelming. But you need time for you, as I'm sure you well know and, on a selfish note, I am so happy that I am going to get to see you.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard. I can't believe that forever and ever people have been raising children. I had no idea it was so heartbreaking (or awsome)! Fear in your baby's eyes is the worst thing ever. I struggled so much with discipline vs. comforting. Time out is totally effective with Ruth and completly useless with Aster. I tried putting Aster in her room with the door closed for punishment a few times and she was completely traumatized by it. So much so that she freaks out when doors are closed in general. Oops. But I don't see fearful eyes so much these days anymore. I am lucky, like you, to have a husband who is very much present in the parenting department and my kids are comforted by him as much as by me. So when I went away (11 days)last Fall, I was okay because they were with him. Aster punished me brutally - wouldn't not even look at me for 2 days upon return, and was very distant and mad at me for a week. But I came back. "Mama always comes back." The guilt is overwhelming. But you need time for you, as I'm sure you well know and, on a selfish note, I am so happy that I am going to get to see you.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the wonderfully stressful world of motherhood. I found Lysa TerKeurst by accident on the radio and every time I hear a story like yours or think about an argument I wish I could take back with my kids I'm reminded that I need buy her book "Am I Messing Up My Kids?" Anyway, here's a passage from her blog called 'The Formula'
ReplyDeleteIt’s a simple woman who humbly acknowledges how much she doesn’t know about life and readily admits how much she needs Jesus. Not just in spiritual sense…this woman needs Jesus in every way. All throughout her day, she can be heard whispering heart-felt pleas to her Jesus saying, “Show me the way, show me the way, show me the way.”
And as she does this, she loosens her grip on all the formulas thrown at her and courageously embraces His gentle voice behind her saying, “This is the way, now walk in it” (Isaiah 30:21).
Celebrate because at the end of the day that's just what you did. Fatigue and epic tantrums go hand in hand, whether you're the two year old or the forty year old (yours truly) in need of some R&R that never comes. Like Lysa says ask God for forgiveness, apologize to your son and keep moving.
I'm going to take my own advice and give my son a kiss on the cheek for a mini meltdown we both had this evening. You're not alone.
I echo what everyone else says above. Be kind to yourself. Guilt gets us nowhere. xoxo
ReplyDeleteEvelyn, I love reading your posts when I happen upon them on FB because you are so well-spoken and I can relate. It is such a struggle when parenting a child with special needs to know what is normal, not normal, what results from parenting tactics, the environment, within the child, etc. etc. It is easy to drive oneself crazy trying to sort through it in the hopes of making sense of it to avoid it "next time." The reality is that there is no one answer and there are complexities that shape each moment. Morgan has had tantrums for up to 45 minutes with no amount of consoling helpful, and it is a totally helpless feeling. We don't have the privilege of reflection in the moment and hind sight is...well, you know.
ReplyDeleteI echo everyone else -- grace and peace be with you.
Please don't feel guilty. I'm not saying it isn't important to read your child's needs and respond accordingly - you know it's important. But it's not possible to do every single time, it's just not possible. His therapy is important, your needing help is important, all of these things are important. Sometimes you can't prioritize these things and then everyone has to deal with the repercussions. He will be ok, and he will learn from it.
ReplyDelete"I get carried away with their resiliency and forget to respect their needs." Yes, I do this too...thanks for the reminder that sometimes it's just going to be hard and we're all just doing our best.
ReplyDeleteHope you have a wonderful time in CA and come back totally replenished!
Being a mom is wonderful, but it sure isn't easy! Love you!! Take care.
ReplyDeleteIt's only easier to understand once the story has played out before you. Don't be hard on yourself. You were there with him, through it all. And his daddy will be with him while you take a much needed trip to replenish your energy. He is safe. There will be very hard time that you cannot stop from happening, but he is safe. And he is learning that. Love to you friend.
ReplyDeleteI've been there too Evelyn. It's a horrible feeling to see your child so scared and not know what to do. Be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteEvelyn,
ReplyDeleteMy love, peace, and understanding are with you. I wish we could share a drink....
Oh, sweet Evelyn. I'm so sorry. I've been there - seeing that scared look and feeling like I failed. They both suck the biggest suck. It's all so tough at times. Please be easy on yourself. You are an AMAZING Mama.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny how that brought back memories of your tantrum in a grocery store when you were that age! (But by your description, the people staring at us in the grocery store were watching a pretty mild tantrum, in comparison.)
ReplyDelete