This is a picture of me in 2009, holding one of my dearest friend's daughter. I love my friend, I love her daughter. This has nothing to do with them. It has everything to do with being an adoptive parent. Little did I know when that photo was taken that I had a son, the exact same age (they were born a few days apart). But I would not get to see my son(s) for another 6 months (Boo and this baby were both almost 2 months old here). Who was holding my 2 month old baby? Who was comforting my 2 year old little boy? Tragedy had already struck their short lives. And yet I sit smiling, enjoying this baby and longing for mine.
This is just one tiny hurt, of the many big and small hurts that come from forming a family through adoption. Yes, I know all families have hurts and YES, of course I know that our family is filled to the brim with joys. But sometimes, these hurts come up for me, for the boys. There are no words to comfort.
Yes. And, beautiful. I'm so happy I know you.
ReplyDeleteIt kills me too.
ReplyDeletethe hurts, they hurt so, so much.
ReplyDeleteDo you remember those referral photos of L. that you and I saw together for the first time? Remember how the social worker showed us the baby one first? I fell in love immediately. Then she said, "this one was the six-month old photo" and placed a 12-month old photo on top of it. With a shock I realized that baby I'd just fallen in love with had disappeared forever, replaced by this 1-year old bravely standing by her stroller. I never had a chance to get to know that baby, though that toddler was to be the love of my life. I entered the stream of her life as it was already flowing, fast. You and Bill did too.
ReplyDelete