Today, I felt down, even though there were many wonderful parts to the day. I made Bill breakfast (oat bran and blueberry muffins) since he had to work and I did not. I read and took some time in silence. I caught up on my blogs. I took Samba for a walk. I spent all afternoon at Metanoia volunteering and catching up with people I care about. I went to Yoga.
Yet beneath it all, I feel down. I have been praying for strength to go deep and face this. I tried to focus on my sense of sound for the day. I purposefully didn't listen to the radio. I stayed with my silence through all of the activities above. What I heard, was my sadness.
I'm not sure I can articulate the why of the sadness, but I'll try...
The delay in being anywhere near having our children has LOTS to do with it. While there are multiple single infant referrals, the sibling list just C-R-E-E-P-S at best. So far in May, 0 (ZERO) sibling referrals :( .
I am left with a big VOID - I'm not yet a mother, I'm not working at Metanoia or in a place I feel passionate about. I am in BETWEEN and I am trying to find my place, trying to understand the purpose of these strange months and how they will fit into the grand scheme of my life. I really want to come out of these months of waiting physically, emotionally and spiritually stronger. But most days, I just don't want to go there - to the depth or to the places that will nurture me. I'd rather wallow in the shallow where things "feel" happy.
I know this isn't a happy post and not every day is like this, though many are. Just wanted to put it out there...
It is totally normal to feel that way, and sure is understandable, considering the loooong wait. It wasn't so long ago that the program was in need of families in general (when we started), and then for families wanting siblings, and then for those wanting to adopt toddlers, etc. It changes so quickly. I guess the hardest part is simply not knowing what to expect or what you are getting into from the beginning.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure it will all be worth it in the end, though. I'm going to be cheering pretty loudly in a few months, or however long it takes, when you guys finally get that referral!
Stacy
Thanks, Stacy! It means a lot to me.
ReplyDeleteEvelyn
I so understand--not because we waited during our adoptions (both went faster than expected, actually) but because I had so many days like this between 1993-2000. The only thing I can say is, perhaps, to return to you a piece of encouragement you gave me re devotional practices--and I'm really paraphrasing here--you told me that when it feels like I'm just plodding along going through the motions during prayer/Bible reading, this can be a good thing, because it strips me of the illusion that *I* am the one doing the work and puts the emphasis on God's mystery at work.
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering if during this down season of waiting, perhaps God is at work even on the days that seem wasted, when you don't feel the growth happening. . . and perhaps you'll be able to look back later and see it in a way you can't now.
Bottom line, though, is the mama in you wants her babies and wants them NOW--and what kind of a mama would she be if she didn't????????