Today, I'm Lighting Candles

Look down at the "ticker" at the bottom of this blog. 2 years today! W-O-W! There have been many pity parties here, but not today. Today, I feel like celebrating. Tonight, we will be lighting candles - birthday candles - not the candles I light when I pray (above), but fun colorful candles - to mark this 2 year anniversary. What will we be celebrating? Hmmmm ... here's a start to a list:

• Bill and I are stronger than ever. We were quite smug in the beginning for choosing adoption. We thought, "In 6-9 months, we'll be parents of two!" This journey has humbled us. This journey has given us compassion and an understanding of what it means to long for children from the depths of your being. We have been with each other through the rollercoaster of emotions that this wait has brought.
  
• I have not only made "blog buddies," but real friends in these past two years. I have a community of you out there who understand what I am going through and who have been an incredible support. I don't think I would have made it this far if it weren't for you. Seriously! I also know this is only the beginning. One day, I'm actually going to have children. I am going to need you even more.
• I am not the same person that started this journey. When we first started filing our paperwork, I was the Executive Director of Youth Leadership Development at the organization Bill and I founded. I was at the top of my game professionally. People looked (still do) at our program as a model to emulate. We were getting awards, we were growing by leaps and bounds. Now, I have a small part-time job at a church, I work from home. I have spent a lot of time alone. I am changed. My self esteem is actually stronger. I am the one who recognizes my worth - not people who are impressed by titles and awards. I am more calm. I am more patient (God knows I need it). I am more aware of my strengths and weaknesses. I have learned how to pick myself up from pretty low places. I am more in touch with myself.
• Bill is not the same person that started this journey. Since I left our organization, he has had to take on an even stronger leadership role. He is great at it! My wonderful Bill has gotten a national award for our little org. He has been chosen for a now global leadership program in which he will participate for the next two years. He has empowered our staff to take on new responsibilities and become more and more professional. He is a great teacher, a great leader. He has also grown more and more in love with our kids without even knowing who they are. He will be a great dad.
• I learned that I am strong. I am getting to the bottom of my physical ailments (cross your fingers). At about the same time that I left my full-time job, I also started having crazy lower back and SI joint pain. I won't bore you with all the treatments I tried, but I will say that it has been quite an adjustment to go from being a very athletic person, to being a person that today walked 1 mile. 1 mile. The old me would have run a marathon or two in this waiting. Instead, I had to learn about limitations. I had to learn about physical pain. I am happy to say that I am feeling 80 % better. I hope to understand the why of this pain soon. Even though I am not physically at my best, I have learned that I have strength.
  
• My father is stable! My father, who lives in Brazil, has been battling with ALS. Though he has lost a lot in terms of quality of life, his disease seems to be stable right now. I thought that when I last said goodbye to him (1.5 years ago), that it was the last time I would ever see him. Through Skype, I see him almost every week! I hope, pray, and think it likely that he will even meet his grandchildren one day!
• We know what we want! There have been plenty of opportunities to change our request and hurry this process along. We have thought about it many times, but always felt that this was the course for us, that we are willing to wait as long as it takes for our children. OUR CHILDREN. (I love the sound of that!) And they are coming. This journey does have an end.
  
• There have been many celebrations along the way. I have had the honor, the pleasure, of seeing YOUR lives changed as many of you became a family. I have been touched, I have cheered and I have cried. This has been fuel for my wait, seeing that yes, it does happen one day! Just like Courtney said, "Poof!" And it will never be the same.

Though I look forward to the day it will never be the same, today, for this day, all is well! My Samba is sleeping at my feet. Bill will be home soon and we'll have lunch together. It is just another day, yet it is a beautiful and special day. I will be lighting candles.